Friday, December 28, 2007

Breaking Through Mother Issues

Conversation goes like this:
"I just can't believe she is that way. How could she leave her little daughter? I mean, he rapes her, does all this abusive stuff, and she leaves me with him. And actually had to idiocy to say to me that she thinks she could have been conscious enough to pick up on abusive energy around men. Oh really? Please! I was 2 and a half! I really think she tells herself these stories in her head, the way it was, like she was not making a clear choice to be selfish. She threw me away. Somehow she always justifies herself to herself. But there is no justification for abandoning your child. And no justification for continuously making your selfishness someone else's fault. My want for a "mother" has been an infection in my wound.
You know, maybe I am asking for too much from the wounded, BUT I want her to be stable, not perfect, but stable, in all respects, financially grown up, emotionally grown up. Be someone I can look up to! Be mature and expressive, be eccentric too, but be appropriate, be healthy, have your shit together, create a life that allows you to be available, put others first, reach out, let the walls down, be positive instead of so dark, so complaining, so negative, so immature, so focused on yourself."


I say, "I just want her to walk in to my home like a thousand mothers do, bags in hand, maybe Old Navy bags, maybe Lord and Taylor, either way, well put together, healthy and fit, stable inwardly and out which you can't fake, interested in us and the boys, nurturing, all of this and maybe holding a Starbuck's even!! I just have this image of this woman who is not who she actually is. I mean, if that were actually her, she would be a whole different person. I want this person.....who is she if not my mother? How many therapists and friends have said to me,"She has never been a mother to you." So sad, and so true. Never. So who is this person I have seen in my mind?
"That's You."
He then begins pumping his fists victoriously, so hilarious. He hit that one on the head!
Perfect example of how healing yourself of mother and father wounds is not what we so often think it is-we think it means changing them. It's not. That's not the definition.
My response to him having this insanely amazing insight:
"WHHHHHHHOA. That's Me. "
And my soul began to see, the person I am envisioning is actually me.
Can I get a hell yeah?!
Parenting Victory!!
(How about the Spongebob Victory Screech!!)


Subeth said...

HELL YEAH! Most excellent insight! Kudos all around to husband and you. Turns out it's not so hard after all to be the mother you never had. And yes, living well IS the best revenge. I can see you walking in, bags in hand, coffee in hand, healthy and full of life. YES!

Anonymous said...

thank you! and thank you for understanding the bags as a metaphor for having something to offer, emotionally. thank you much! love