Healing Sex Gives Survivors the Confidence to Open Up

A great deal of survivors tend to have a difficult time with closeness with another person, finding themselves having to teach themselves boundaries and when any of us run into a little trouble and need help, there are shelves full of psychological insight, self help books, audio books, films and so on at our disposal. Healing Sex is a DVD that at first glance, you would think is just like the rest of the “self help” market, but once you watch it, it has the potential to really change your life and the way you look at intimacy.

Staci Haines has vast experience as a workshop leader and somatic practitioner and presents hands on exercises for you to practice either alone or with your partner for battling a lot of hurdles that survivors deal with when it comes to intimacy, such as disassociating during sex which I, as well as a great deal of survivors I speak with now have had problems with in our adult lives. Haines welcomes you into her workshops and one-on-one sessions and works with people to help them set boundaries in relationships and intimacy and teaches them how to express their desires, likes and dislikes. She gives us so much knowledge and draws upon her extensive experience to present educational and often triggering material in a comfortable and accessible way that will make you actually want to open up to your partner, now that you know how.

This DVD did wonders for me. I absolutely loved the way in which the material was presented and I especially loved that Haines doesn’t think, act or teach with the sense of false hope that she is a miracle worker. Healing from any kind of trauma takes a long time and a great deal of dedicated, hard work and the effects of childhood sexual assault have a tendency to follow survivors throughout their entire lives. This film shows you realistic ways to cope with your past and your present in terms of intimacy and overall relationships.

Perps profiting from their crimes

I just learned about the Never Again Foundation!

The Never Again Foundation is a non profit charity that gives legal assistance to families of victims killed by domestic violence. They help and guide you through probate to legally obtain the assets. They also file legal notices and lawsuits to disqualify the killer as an heir. Their mission is to prevent all killers from financially profiting from causing death, and instead fight to have the assets go to the rightful and appropriate family members of the victim.

Yippee! Fight back and have the perps never again profit!

The Courage to Heal

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http://www.ellenbass.com/

http://angelashelton.com/

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Dear Jane,

I got your message and yes, it is okay to be angry. You live in hell, of course you can be angry. There are many in your situation being held in prison by their family - literally. I spoke to another one of them online. But it was her dad poising as her - soooo creepy. He revealed himself pretty early on that it was really him. He's so dumb that he didn't even realize that I figured out I was talking to him and not his daughter. Creep. When you think about it, it makes sense that he was on there pretending to by his young girl and talking to her friends. Gross. Yet another way to control the one you are abusing and get your rocks off talking to their friends! Perps have all kinds of ways to stop an escape. They watch your every move.

You have to be smarter than them.

When your own family abuses you many times (like yourself) you made an agreement that in order to survive you were going to split. The problem is that you can forget that you made that agreement and have a really hard time putting all the pieces of yourself back together. You are not crazy. You abusers are crazy and they try to make you think you are crazy.

As far as getting out goes, you have to save money. It is very good that you got a job. I suggest you have them pay you through paypal and start a new account that no one knows about - don't use the account you already have that they know about! Hide and save your money even if you have to open a safety deposit box somewhere.

Express your anger away from them. Practice sports. Learn to fight. If you express yourself around them they will only put down the fortress walls quicker and heavier. You've got to think ninja-style and be smarter than them in order to escape. You and I both know that if you stay he will get your pregnant and then rape your children. That is the cold hard fact.



Jane History:
http://survivormanual.blogspot.com/2007/11/dear-jane.html
http://survivormanual.blogspot.com/2007/12/is-it-okay-to-express-myself-and-get.html
If you were following my old blog on angelashelton.com/weblog - this is the girl who we tried to save. http://www.angelashelton.com/weblog/2007/03/16/the-past-two-weeks/
I call her Jane now instead of Katie. So when you see Dear Jane, I am talking to her as well as a few just like her. There are many in this situation - just take the roof off of family courts nationwide and you will find a boatload of horror!

Kourts for Kids!

http://www.kourtsforkids.org/

Yay!! How many times have I heard about kids and protective mothers being victimized by the system, oh let me count the times! Check out Kourts for Kids. It is a great resource. Save the children!!

Kourts for Kids is a nonprofit organization of volunteers across America, who are working together to find ways to better protect abused children in the family courts. Many people play a role in the protection of abused children -- judges, attorneys, guardians ad litem, social workers, officers of the law, legislators, and advocates. However, sometimes children are not protected due to a lack of knowledge or misinformation, political pressure, or an overload of work. This broken link, which can occur from the time a child discloses abuse to the moment a judge renders a decision, can affect the child for the rest of his or her life. Dedicated to the protection of abused children, Kourts for Kids is going to bat for them by supporting an increase in awareness and education and promoting change within regions where protection can and should be improved.

Family Court Crisis

The Center for Judicial Excellence has a new film!
Family Court Crisis: Our Children at Risk

It is a film about the systemic breakdown of our family courts!

Spread the word. People need to know about the truth.

Ritual Abuse Survey

Below is a questionnaire  and announcement from Jeanne Sarson RN, BScN, MEd, and Linda MacDonald RN, BN, MEd, of Persons Against Ritual Abuse Torture.
There is a new research project on their site related to ritual abuse-torture and military connections. They are seeking persons who will share their victimization narratives that include details that some RAT perpetrators have military connections. Some ritual abuse-torturers have been identified as being veterans; some have been identified as being in active military service; and other RAT families/groups have been identified as having connections with military personnel, who for various reasons and benefits trafficked their children.
Information learned from these brief research questions can help suggest a common pattern of RAT victimization by perpetrators with military connections.
The questions are linked below:

http://pub25.bravenet.com/vote/vote/php?usernum=2120596064&cpv=2

www.ritualabusetorture.org

RAINN's Online Hotline

RAINN's Online Hotline has just won the 2007 Technology Innovation Award from NPower. The award annually recognizes a nonprofit that has created the most innovative use of technology to more effectively fulfill its mission.

Nearly half of all sexual assault victims are under 18, so they had to find a way to provide this younger age group with the services they need using the technology they embrace.

Check out the new video about the Online Hotline at www.rainn.org

Breaking the Cycle

The most important book any survivor could ever read (it is also a work book) is Sandy Riggin´s book, Breaking the Cycle. Sandy´s web page is www.sandyriggin.com

Reading Sandy´s book helped me come to terms with the fact that I am really just a text book example of someone who was abused physically, emotionally and sexually as a child. And, furthermore, that there is nothing wrong with me, I am not crazy, stupid nor have I lost my mind. What a huge relief!! Sandy also puts forward some very important but simple exercises in her book that build on each other, slowly take you through what we need to go through to heal. I highly recommend it. You can use it on your own or take it to your therapist and ask them to help you work with it.

You can listen to an interview with Sandy here http://ethicalife.com/showsegment.asp?id=57

Telling your story

I was doing some research tonight. I found a very powerful web-site that I wanted to share with all of you.

It is a program that the Texas Association Against Sexual Assault has recently added to their "Speak Up. Speak Out." Campaign.  It was started from a company called The Digital Story Telling Project based out of California. Their web address is http://www.storycenter.org/

The stories of the survivors that have recently taken part in this program are displayed at this web address: http://www.taasa.org/pac/digital_story.php

 

"Speak Up. Speak Out.: Digital Storytelling Videos
The power of survivors telling their own stories is unmatched. The videos were entirely written, directed and produced by seven courageous survivors and detail their stories of trauma and recovery. " quoted from TAASA.

When we band together we can heal ourselves, heal the world, and break the silence.

What is Self Injury?

I found this video on http://www.myspace.com/selfinjuryhope

How do I send emails if my abuser is watching me?

Here is a very interesting way to get around the fact that your abuser may be watching everything you do.

You can send emails through this system:

http://www.willselfdestruct.com/

Choose the Light!

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This is a video that I cut together with footage from Searching for Angela Shelton. Ophelia from (Wo)Men Speak Out wrote the song. This movie helps a lot of people and this song is genius, I love it!

Breaking the Silence Questions

These are the QUESTIONS I hear most often and this is the reason I wanted The Survivor Manual.

For my contributors, please feel free to address any of these questions and put Q and A in the label at the bottom. As we collect answers, we will provide the blog entry link by the questions to make it easier to search! This is a work in progress and will continue to move forward. We will organize the categories to provide the best searching. Keep coming back!


How do I get the courage to heal?

Do you have to come forward?

Am I a Survivor?

Where can I go to get help? I have no money/insurance to get help.

What is the first step to healing?

Who can you call to get help?

Why me? I don’t want to open up this can of worms inside of me. It’s too scary and I think I’ll die. Why can’t I just leave well enough alone?

I live out in the middle of nowhere. How do I find support and resources?

What are all of the symptoms, bodily reactions, addictions, you’ve seen survivors have? (I lost my voice, have thrown up a bunch, my “phantom” vaginal pain, teeth chattering, nightmares, paralyzed from the waist down...)
Incest Survivors Checklist from E. Sue Blume

Yes, this happened to me, but I’m perfectly fine keeping it to myself. I let it go a long time ago. It’s not that big of a deal. My father didn’t kill me or anything. Why do YOU have to make such a big deal of it?

I really don’t understand why it’s such a big deal that my dad used to fondle me. It felt good sometimes so why is it a problem? He wasn’t hurting me. Why is it so bad?

Can you really have repressed memories or am I just making myself believe something that really didn’t happen? I’m being told that repressed memories don’t exist and that my father could never have done that. Maybe I’m making this up and I should believe her?

I keep having feelings that “this never happened to me,” but I know it did. Why am I disbelieving myself?

I was abused by my brother/father/uncle, but haven’t told anyone. How do I bring up this subject and what should I expect?

I can’t stop crying. HELP! How do I stop?

What should I say to people who tell me to “just get over it?”

I am still the black sheep in the family for bringing the abuse out in the open - my siblings wanted me to wait until my father passed away to talk about it. Should I still tell?

I am going up and down like a roller coaster. I don’t know what to. I wish I could take better care of myself but I am paralyzed. Survivor’s groups don’t interest me, church does not interest me and I have next to no money to get professional help. Please help.

How did you deal with all of that pain? How long did you put up with it?

Does this pain ever end?

My offender still abuses me and I let him. How do I stop the abuse when it has been in my family for so long?

My mother knows it is happening and so do other family members. How do I protect the other children? How do I get out? My family will come after me.

How do you deal with the abusers enablers?

How do I release my rage and pain? I thought about using your bat idea to release rage but I just feel frozen.

I feel like I want to die. How do I not kill myself?

How do you confront someone when they are so high and mighty, like your preacher?

Can I put a full-page ad in the newspaper declaring my father a pedophile? I want people to know! Will I get in trouble? What can happen?

I was molested by my pastor. How in the world do I confront him? You confronted your father so easily, how were you able to do that?

Wendy Murphy wins Voice of Courage Award!

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This is a clip from the 2007 Darkness to Light Gala where i presented Wendy Murphy with the Voice of Courage award. Wendy is also going to contribute to this blog! Yippeee-ki-yay!

Get Wendy's book - And Justice for Some - http://andjusticeforsome.com/

Bring the Stewards of Children Training to your community!
http://www.darknesstolight.org/

I just got trained to train so I can teach the training as well! So get on the train! Email events@angelashelton.com if you have a large group and/or are near where I will already be and I can train the adults in your community to recognize and react responsibly to the reality of child sexual abuse! (there is a video of Anne Lee below...)

Self-Defense for Survivors

Angela posted a question/comment to my post below, and I think it's on a really important topic...so here goes. Should survivors of violence learn self-defense? I get this question all the time, and I imagine many more just THINK the question and never ask it. (Since so many people are out there who have gone through horrible abuse/assault and NEVER tell anyone.) Here's the deal: as a survivor, you need to do whatever necessary to feel safe, strong and whole again. For some people it's therapy, or journaling or giggling (in Angela's case)...but whatever that thing is, do it...and do a lot of it!

For some survivors, the idea begins to creep into their mind of getting their power back. Some want to learn what they could have done differently to prevent or avoid the situation, which is fine...but just know going into any self-defense class that whatever happened is NOT your fault and NOT your responsibility to remedy the sick mind process that goes into these crimes. If you are in therapy, I highly recommend talking to your therapist about taking a self-defense class before you do it. Explore the idea that you'll likely be physically put in a situation that may seem very real, and very scary. You may have flashbacks. You may feel terror. Know that self-defense is not therapy, but it can be therapeutic to learn to become your own best protector.

I had a gal take the Girls Fight Back 12 hour, full-contact course when I owned a women's self-defense studio back in Hoboken, NJ. She had been robbed at gunpoint the previous year, and was psychologically traumatized. She and her therapist came to the conclusion that self-defense may provide her with options, so that when she re-played the event in her head...this time she could be kicking his ass! So after careful consideration, she took the class. On my consent form that all students must sign, it asks if you have survived a violent situation. She fully disclosed her situation to me, which was crucial. It helped me guide her through the course on a more mindful level of what she was emotionally and psychologically going through. At the end, this girl went through "Fight Night"...a full contact fight against a padded attacker. And you know what? She rocked like Spock, and floored the padded attacker. I have never seen a more glowing, vibrant, re-energized face than hers after she was finished with him. We videotape all these fights, so that students can see how dangerous they really can be...and she thought she was watching her stunt double...but it was just a more Charlie's Angel's version of herself.

In summary, my advice is to take a self-defense class...but only when you're ready. And when you do, give full disclosure to your teacher. Know that self-defense is just one tiny part of the healing process, not the whole enchilada. Furthermore, find a class and an instructor you are comfortable with. Your intuition will immediately tell you if you feel good about it...listen to that voice! And check out www.girlsfightback.org to find a class near you. You have to sign in, but it's totally free. All the classes are listed by state, so you can find one easily. I will blog more in the future about other fight-related questions...but hope this helps for now.

RAINN is Searching for Survivors to Share Their Stories

RAINN is looking for survivors who have gotten help through the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline or who looked for help online after their attacks to share their stories for outreach during Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. Please contact info@rainn.org for more information.


The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline and the standard RAINN National Hotline are excellent resources for those who have been victimized. The Rape Abuse and Incest National Network works for policy change, advocacy, and victim's assistance. If you have used the new online hotline, consider checking them out. They are also a great resource for statistics and outreach events. http://www.rainn.org