Saturday, June 7, 2008

Musings From a Blissed Out Mind

I just want to write. I love life. Sounds cliche. I really mean this. Even when I am having a bad, shitty day, I still love being here. Especially with my boys and husband, upon whom I look with deep reverence each day.
It's not what happens to us so much that determines our outcomes, it is what we choose to make of it. What meaning will we ascribe to our suffering? Existential grief is real. From a woman in the Sudan clinging to her naked bloodied baby she prays will not starve, to men fighting in wars to which no one will ever understand the horrors of, to the child who is raped by her father, what matters is not what we think our experience should BE, but what we make it FOR. Too often we can get caught in the no man's land of WHY? Why God, why? Many of us have been there, after all, what we have endured is crazy and horrible and nearly unspeakable. We feel we are or have lead a life that can not be listened to, that no one wants to hear it. Well, I have people who do and have and will continue to want to hear "it". I have found I can cry WHy and still move forward and transcend. It's all about transcendence. Choosing people to be in my life who are not deniers is essential for me.
My husband is one. He gets inside my pain. He is there. It is real. He feels it. I believe his tears and his breaths and his eyes when he is in that pain with me. He feels me. I have 2 best girls who absolutely feel with me, as I do them. I love my family of choice. They know what love really is. It is a blessing we all deserve. I wish this love for all. I do not know why whatever notion of God allows bad things to happen, or why some believe it's karma, or why it happened to me. Or you. I just know I am giving it meaning. I am speaking it. I am living inside of my truth. I am as Rainer Maria Rilke put it, "Living the questions." That is my meaning, to keep learning, to keep asking why it happened to ME...Not just WHY? Or WHY me? But, why ME???..what am I hear to do, especially with child sexual rape? I will work to continue finding out. I hope to serve others in healing and speaking and creating. I am also here to live a joyful, blissed out life. I am happy, deeply, profoundly happy, and that is my underlying feeling about life, regardless of the stuff that goes on in one's life.....the things we humans go through...and for survivors that includes PTSD, complex emotions, needs and rights. If we are experiencing flashbacks, nightmares, self doubt, self persecution and paranoia, whatever it is, we are here to be bound indelibly to the light that is within us. We are here to en-joy love, life, nature, god, whatever we conceive him or her to be, we are here to manifest our birthright to abundance and clarity, our right to safety and a life lived in harmony. Namaste. S