Saturday, July 19, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Question and Answer
I'm back and going through all of the things on my desktop. Here is a video of me doing a question and answer after Searching for Angela Shelton at ODU in Virgina Beach.
Virginia Beach was so beautiful. I got to visit and meet some amazing people, I heard more stories, I saw more transformation, and a little birdie told me that my book is part of the curiculum too. That's pretty amazing. I had no idea when I began this journey. I thought it was going to be funny.
http://searchingforangelashelton.com/
Article from Wendy Murphy
Wendy just sent this to me and I had to share.
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT JIM
I'm sure it's nothing, but after Senator Jim Marzilli and Representative Jim Fagan made news for - what should I call it -- sadistic verbal lunacy -- (OK Marzilli got physical, too -- but stick with me here), I started looking at other Bay State "Jims" to see whether there isn't something about the name.
Turns out there might be a good reason to name the next bundle of joy Harry or Luke.
James "Jim" Fagan made international headlines after threatening to "ruin" child victims of sex abuse who testify against their abusers. He promised to attack even six year-olds with such ferocity, they wouldn’t be able to eat or sleep or have relationships for the rest of their lives.
James "Jim" Marzilli is under indictment for sexual assault and lewd behavior involving four women, and is accused of allegedly committing even more serious sex crimes against several other women.
Around the time Fagan and Marzilli were getting in trouble, a guy named James "Jim" Keown was convicted of murdering his wife by poisoning her with anti-freeze.
Days earlier, James "Jim" Brescia was convicted of murder for hiring a hit man to knock off his estranged wife's boyfriend.
James "Whitey" Bulger had a run of bad behavior that allegedly led to the murder of 17 people, all while working as an informant for the feds.
Pedophile priest James "Jim" Porter sexually abused over 200 children and was convicted of molesting 29 victims.
And let's not forget Orenthal "James" Simpson -- not from Massachusetts but worth mentioning not only because of his brutality and perverse ability to keep smiling as if he’s done nothing wrong, but also because he singlehandedly destroyed my ability to drink Orange Juice.
Of course, the number of men named Jim or James who've done great things for Massachusetts is certainly greater than the number of jerks, rapists and murderers who bring shame to the name.
For instance, we can lay claim to beloved musician and songwriter, James Taylor.
Then there's the famous painter James Whistler.
And renowned poet James Lowell.
And let's not forget Boston Mayor and Massachusetts Governor, James Michael Curley. (I know, I know -- he belongs on both lists).
My favorite ex-boss is named Jim and I have two dozen or more colleagues, relatives and friends named James or JIm who are terrific guys.
But after recent events involving the "bad Jims" in this state - I have to believe that a lot of new parents will find it difficult to name their new baby boy "James" for the same reason that I found it impossible to name my daughters "Britney" or my sons "Albert" (Desalvo) or "Charles" (Manson and Stuart).
Names are only labels, but we all know the way meeting someone new can evoke a feeling of either warmth or disgust when we hear that they have the name of someone we once knew, or someone famous.
I like the name Chuckie even though my kids think the name is scary. They saw a movie about a weird-looking doll of the same name that ran around killing people. I missed that film so the only feeling I get is warm and fuzzy because Chuckie was the name of my fourth-grade boyfriend. (assuming it counts as a boyfriend that we rode bikes together).
And come on – who doesn’t recoil when they meet a woman named “Lizzie” or a child named “Damien”?
And remember how we blushed when being introduced to someone named Monica during Bill Clinton’s impeachment proceedings?
Sure, a name is only a word – but it’s a word with great staying power – especially when it’s associated with very bad behavior.
So all apologies to the "good Jims" out there, but there's something strangely pleasant about the fact that two creeps named "James" were convicted of murder right after two members of the Massachusetts legislature with the same moniker went up in flames for their own vile conduct.
Call me superficial but I think it's fabulous - and a bit of poetic justice - that several stories of similarly-named horrible men in Massachusetts all occurred at the same time. As mnemonic devices go, it greatly increases the chance that when people hear about a murderer or rapist named James, they will become nauseous while also recalling images of Jim Fagan and Jim Marzilli.
How's that old song go? Thanks For the Memories...
Wendy J. Murphy
(copyright 2008)
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
War on Abuse Radio Show
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/the_war_on_abuse_radio_show
I was a guest on this show yesterday. Listen!
Dreaming Mother
My son began second grade yesterday, he is confident, secure, happy, excited. All good thing. In second grade, I first told about the abuse, I was threatened by my father who stood naked and looming over me. He told me I had ratted him out and had better go back and tell my grandmother that my mother-long gone by then-had put me up to it. I saw his naked body and his angry face and I did just what he said. He also had a gun. Thus my grandfather labeled me a liar, there was screaming and blood, and I was shamed to the core, again. There was so much abuse at 7 for me, second grade. This was the age when he fed me shrooms. I was terrified, tripping with my molesting father. Here's the thing, healing happens, it's a dynamic process, but this is what amazes me. I have been reading Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw. Next to The Courage to Heal, it is the most life-altering book I have read. I am aware of things that have been in my unconscious forever. I had no idea about some of the things I thought about myself. Last night I finished the book and had an amazing dream.
In my dream last night, my son, who is 7, was playing the in the surf. On a beach with white sand. I kept walking out to him, brushing his blonde hair back from his eyes, the warm breeze blowing all around us, asking,"Are you doing okay? Do you need Mama for anything?" He said he was ok, just playing, and I kept walking back about 10 feet to the edge of the water. Suddenly, the lights went out as it were, the sun literally went out. It was dark, pitch black, parents were screaming.
I stood up, and a profound sense of knowingness washed over me. I closed my eyes, yes, in the dark, and listened for him. Once he said,"I'm over here". I heard him, but I already knew where I was going. I listened, not for auditory sounds necessarily, but for the pull in my belly, in my heart, the magnetism of him. There was a feeling of being wrapped in something and gently pulled by it. Yet, I felt it from the inside, and I knew I could only access it by closing my eyes, that the seeing I needed was INSIDE of me. The feeling was so deep, so real, and it drowned out all other noise. I put my hands out like a sleepwalker, and kept my eyes closed. I was guided right to him. I never once lost it, or felt one bit of fear. I did not open my eyes until we got back to shore, and the sun came back on.In this quieting of all the screams around me, a silence in my own head, in my self was louder, and it pulled me inward.. My mother radar just clicked. I felt no fear, nor did he. He knew I would find him. Closing my eyes in the dark to find him, yes. The seeing that I needed was inside of me, that vibration, that knowingness, the pull of mothertochild.
Magical.
It's weird to explain, but this dream reminded me of the mythical tale of the handless maiden, the girl who regains her hands after having her baby, the healing that children bring. Here is a synopsis:
My first experience with the "Armless Maiden" was reading a powerful Xhosa version of the tale, "A Father Cuts Off His Daughter's Arms," performed by Mrs. Nongenile Masithatu Zenani, a Xhosa storyteller from South Africa, and translated by Harold Schueb. In this version a widowed father chooses not to remarry and relies on his young daughter to perform his wife's household duties of cooking and cleaning. When the girl reaches puberty, he attempts to coerce his daughter into filling the sexual role of his deceased wife as well. The girl steadfastly refuses his advances, bursting into noisy weeping that threatens to alert the neighbors. The next day the father takes her into the woods. Once again he demands that she have sex with him. When she again refuses, he cuts off her arms with a knife and leaves her in the woods to die. Bleeding and in tremendous pain, the girl suffers in solitude until hunger forces her to her feet. Dazed, she begins to wander through an "endless forest, ascending and descending." Symbolism, anyone?
The armless maiden is required to relate the story of her father's crime three times before she is rescued and brought into the homestead. Once bathed, the family realizes that even without her arms the girl is beautiful, and she is soon married to their son. At first this seems a resolution, particularly when she gives birth to a child, but gradually problems arise. Without her arms, the new mother can not care for her infant, what will she do?
The young woman returns to the woods and begins a second journey, ascending and descending the endless forest until, weary and thirsty, she comes upon a lake. Having lived in the wood for many days with her child, the woman stops by a stream to rest and refresh herself. As she bends over the water's edge, the child slips from her back and falls into the water. The handless one, knowing it is futile to reach into the waters to save the baby, shoves her stumps into the cold depths. When she does so, her hands instantly grow back.
My therapist related this to me years ago. That is so powerful. That is what we mean by healing for or through one's child. It can apply to partners too.
The line between what we do for ourselves to heal and what they do to help us is barely tangible yet indelible all the same. "And if there is a way to find you I will find you....threads that are golden don't break easily.." Horses, Tori Amos. My boundaries are not just about keeping people out, or having healthy relationships with others, or letting them in, it's also about knowing myself, knowing that I am good because I exist, and seeing through the internalized shame shell I inherited and was given by my parents through their abandonment of me, physical, sexual, spiritual. I feel into my cells that I AM a good mother in ways I never could allow myself to believe before. We tell our boys all the time,"We love you because you are YOU." The shame I have carried over my own mother's maternal inadequacies, my father's outright betrayals and abuse, this dream pierced through that and I awoke with a knowingness, a belief not just in, but ABOUT myself that I have not fully experienced before. Instead of fearing I will repeat my parents trauma, neurotically so-"Will I traumatize them, am I doing this wrong, did I do that too much, did I say that too much, If I do this will they feel abandoned..." I have been carrying the shame of my parents and it has masqueraded as my own voice. It is not. I am vicariously reraising myself through my boys. And I am what I and My husband tell them they are, strong, radiant, capable of anything, kind, self aware. I am believing on a deep level the very love I give to them, I believe it about ME. A dream come true indeed.
Namaste.
--
Friday, July 4, 2008
Strawberry Epiphany
it's as if soft moss is tracing it's way over your skin.
or like a drink of the coldest water at your thirstiest.
seeing them eat strawberries and that sight becomes art,
becomes an epiphany,
a swan song.
see them gaze at the redness of it,
this makes strawberries suddenly holy.
holy is the sacred,
many people claim to know the way,
many of them men.
but men, stop your ego from talking,
sit by my side for a moment in time
watch a child of golden hair,
breathe up,breathe down,
eat a strawberry in ecstasy,
look at you
and
with that very look,
tug upon that never gone umbilical cord threading you
mothersonmotherson
together forever.
sit and see,
see the way of
children,
for they are what holy is.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
A Lesson in Sexual Energetics
Hello everyone!
It's me, Krisztina again, with some information that I hope you find useful explaining the sexual energetics. I hope this info reduces the amount of sexual trauma we find in the world. I am planning several more videos that I will keep you posted about.
A Lesson in Sexual Energetics
My goal as I study Oriental Medicine is to not only understand the nature of sexual trauma but to collect information on how to fix it, thereby drastically reducing the time required for healing.
Please visit my website periodically for more info
Project AcuHope!
Many blessings to you all!
Krisztina
Monday, June 30, 2008
Child Sexual Abuse Survey
This is a survey on Child Sexual Abuse being conducted by a doctoral student at the University from which I am an alumnus. I was hoping that some of you might be willing to participate in the online survey to help this student with her dissertation research, or can pass it on to folks that would be willing to help. Just think of if you were working on a study or a project, wouldn't you want others to help you out with your research?!
Please participate in a short survey related to perceptions of alleged
child sexual abuse. Participation in this research is strictly
anonymous, as your IP address will not even be recorded. Your
participation would only require about 10 minutes of your time and it
would be greatly valued and appreciated.
If you wish to participate please click on the following link, or cut
and paste it in your internet browser. This link will take you directly
to the survey.
https://www.psychdata.com/s.asp?SID=125120
Or, if you prefer, you can go to his website, http://www.psychdata.com/,
and enter this number, 125120, in the space provided that reads "Go to
Survey #."
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Sword of Trauma
These images are part of my new event - Removing the Sword of Trauma. You can contact my mom at events@angelashelton.com or joann@angelashelton.com to bring me to your community.
I love this program!
How Acupuncture Can Help Survivors
Hello everyone!
My name is Krisztina Samu and I'm a student of Oriental Medicine on the Big Island of Hawaii. I've prepared a video interview for this blog that I hope you find helpful.
How Acupuncture Can Help Survivors
Oriental Medicine was so amazing in helping me and many others I know in regaining balance and harmony in our bodies and emotions that I've decided to study it and get the message out about how it can be particularly helpful in cases of trauma.
My website is still in the works, but you can email me from the website
Project AcuHope and keep checking back for more juicy, helpful info!
Many blessings to you all!
Krisztina
Saturday, June 7, 2008
To All The Big People Out There
I just received this from a Goddess who wanted me to share this with you:
To All The Big People Out There
This is to all the big people out there -- like me. The fat people -- like me. We who say, "as soon as I lose some weight, I will .................... (insert anything here)."
Stop waiting! Being [insert your label] should not preclude your living life. It's an excuse. I've used it over and over again for years. Doesn't mean I don't want to address it -- just means I will no longer use my weight as a crutch. At the beginning of Angela's personal journey, she was still smoking.
I'm done. Goodbye Fat Excuse! Thanks for the use, but I am letting you go.
I was thinking the same ole same old the other day: "I'm too fat; they'll laugh at me; they'll think I'm not healing because I haven't lost weight, etc. " And then had a new thought:
"How many other big/fat people are out there thinking the same thing?"
I would look at Angela Shelton and think it was easier for her. She's so pretty. She's so thin. She's an actress. Everything probably comes easier to her. People will be able to hear her because she's thin.
How presumptive! How dismissive! How arrogant! (I forgive me.)
Well, I bet there are as many "Me's" as there are Angela Shelton's. How many other women are waiting for someone like them to speak up? I was. And then I thought: "Well, why not me? What if I'm the fat Angela Shelton?" (okay, that cracked me up...but I digress).
AM I KIDDING? ME?!
Sure! Why not me? Be the change I want to see. I want to see big/fat people taking a stand, too. Speaking out. Being large warrior goddesses! Why not?
As I learned over and over again on my "Angela Journey," it just takes one person speaking up and speaking the truth for one other person to hear it, identify with it, and to begin speaking their truth. (think of the 70s Breck Shampoo commercial: she told two friends and she told two friends and so on and so on and so on...)
If right now, you are hearing all your "rotes" (those voices inside that beat you down), STOP THEM. Say this out loud or in your head:
I am worth healing.
I am worth loving.
I am worth being loved.
I love me.
SQUISH! (really. Say squish -- it's the best word in the world!)
Drink them in. Try them on for size. Roll them around on your tongue or in your mind. Feel their power. Believe in the possibility that they are truth. I believe you are worth it!
Recently, for the first time in my 43 years, I was able to look myself in the eyes in the mirror (YES THE MIRROR), and say "Squish! I love you, Diana." The kicker? I believed it.
(pause to reflect. drink. try. roll. feel. believe. smile)
I found something important enough to push me over the edge. What a way to put it, but that's it. I went over the edge of surviving into living. Oh yeah, it's a little scary. It's quite a bit uncomfortable for the time being -- but I LIKE it!
I put myself out there. The world didn't end. The sky didn't fall. No one "got" me. My skin didn't burn off. I did not explode. I did not collapse from the weight of what happened. The blackness did not consume me. I did not disappear or disintegrate. I did not turn into red hot rage.
I triumphed! I am now out there in the world, and I am okay. I am fat. I am alive. I have possibilities.
I
AM
A
BIG OL'
WARRIOR
GODDESS!
(**disclaimer. you may find that once you start speaking the truth and feeling your feelings, food doesn't hold the same power. food doesn't temporarily fill whatever if it did before. in fact, speaking your truth and sharing your story may eventually be the best diet in the world. imagine that. believe the possibility.)
Thank you Diana and continue the healing!